accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
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If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
reminder
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-