*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
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I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.