Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
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You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Never forget.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.