There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
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I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man