Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
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If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”