The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
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Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
wish me luck lads
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Lmao the reply
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.