“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
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someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”