[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
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A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.