My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
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[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.