my friends when i can’t do basic math
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Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Ain’t no way
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
this is what they would have looked like, though
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
i love modern commerce