Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
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I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.