They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
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Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
Hot hot hot 🥵
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
groan^2
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva