be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
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Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
My current situation
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.