I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
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No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
asking santa clause for nudes
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.