*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
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Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
A small tragedy.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
yeet
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend