[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
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The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.