CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
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i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
lmfao
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now