It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
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I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack