I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
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ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?