[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
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my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.