I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
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Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
*pronounces woah like Noah*
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.