Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
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keep reaching for the stars, kid:
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
My dating profile:
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
OH. COME. ON.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*