[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
You Might Also Like
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo