You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
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Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.