Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
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just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*