I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
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bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Not today. 😅
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.