I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
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[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
Well, this certainly took a turn
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke