Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
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Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
This kid will have a bright future.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
My life coach traded me.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.