[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
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A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space