Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
You Might Also Like
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.