I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
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To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Not today.. 😂
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good