Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
You Might Also Like
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order