baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
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The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
I’m so full I could puke a horse
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️