What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
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The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
The Sun
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog