After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
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A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
🙋♀️
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?