I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
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[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.