Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
You Might Also Like
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Eat…
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
In banana years, I am bread.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Most fashion shows these days…
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new