I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
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Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.