My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
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Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”