if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
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Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.