THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
You Might Also Like
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
The options really are this bad