schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
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jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.