I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
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Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
me after drinking all the wine:
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Shortcut
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
Lube but for my dry humor.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?