I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
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A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.