I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
You Might Also Like
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Did my cat write this
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.