Found the job I’m suited for
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Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!