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facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…