ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
You Might Also Like
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
Good Morning.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
when someone rings the doorbell
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no