If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
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*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed