[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
You Might Also Like
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Lunatics are gonna loon.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
Lmao the reply
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
*pokes sex life with a stick
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”